freshly sharpened pencils...

didn't think i'd blog this but here goes!

so i leave cali for the big apple, stop over in phoenix. it was cool. went outside to breathe in the arizona air and went back inside. i got myself some grub at chili's and then checked the departures and my flight was delayed by an hour. back to chili's. sit at bar, take out book (nelson mandela's long walk to freedom) and order another beer. put me to sleep as soon as i get back on. finish drink, flight's been pushed back another 30 minutes. back to chili's smile at the waitress. she knows me now.

bottom line is i ended up having four full pints. i know that was naughty of me but they should be on time next time. we get on the plane, my seat is four rows behind first class. i figure i'll use the bathroom before we take-off. it's quicker and easier to go up front and use first's bathroom - it's only a toilet!! but this guy with flaming arms and lisp stops me dead on my tracks and requests me to use the ones in the rear. i can't proceed to the rear. everyone's busy stacking up their shee overheard. i sit down and compose myself. we can do it.

as soon as it clears i get and start towards the back. but because the flight's delayed and the trolley dollies are in panic mode, this woman with plastic smile advises me that i'll be able to do so as soon as we take off. okay... i'll wait. deep breath. happy thoughts. i almost want to tell her that i've had four but figure they'll probably kick me off the plane. breath again.

we start moving, we taxi, we speed up, we take off. now my eyes are focussed on that seat belt sign. i'm worshipping it silently in my seat, 8D. it's been forever since we got on. then a ding goes but the light stays on. then the dollies start walking up and down.why am i still chained to my seat? as one woman walks past, i put my hand up and ask her: can i go now? - in that grade one begging tone. no, you'll have to wait for the seat belt sign to come off. i wait. breath.

then the trollies come out. dang people!!! first you dont turn off the signal then you block the aisle with your nqolas! the movie then starts: big momma's house 2. now it's no longer a laughing matter. that guy with the funny lisp ponces around through the first class curtain taking his time. also there's no way i can go to the back, those women are at it at the other end. i take out my camera and do a little video and voice memo. (i just listened to it, there's stress in that voice!)

finally the guy up front starts back tracking and i'm like forget it, it's either right now or right here. take off was like 45 minutes ago!! i bolt to the front, lisp guy stops me and i calmly say, "dude, i really need the bathroom." and walk straight past him. freedom. as soon as i get out he's waiting for me. i'm tempted to put my hand out and shake his but i dont. he then reprimands me, not only did i leave my seat but i used first class bathrooms - a real no no no. people get arrested for doing what i did. i beg for his forgiveness. i was only doing my business. there's some things in life we can't avoid. the rest of the flight was a non-event.

i now have to consider what to do with that little video clip of me complaining to myself!!